In this post, an experienced board member and ED reflects on a situation he encountered on his very first board as a young man. Back then, he admired the way a strong ED drew a firm line between board responsibilities and management responsibilities. That clarity made an impression. But with the benefit of experience—and a little wisdom that comes with age—he now recognizes the value of a gentler approach, both in the way board members ask questions and in the way a nonprofit leader responds.

Making Demands Evokes Defensive Responses

As told by a Board Member and ED somewhere in the US.

I served on the board of a private school. It was my very first board, and I was young and eager to learn. Like many schools, this one ran a separate summer program. It had different staff, different leadership, and though some of the same kids attended, it was basically its own operation. Importantly, it was a moneymaker. The regular school needed donations to break even, but the summer program not only covered its costs, but it also contributed revenue back to the school. The board loved that. The board loved having that extra income.

The Head of School hired a director to run the summer program. She paid that person well—and with good reason. The job was intense. In a matter of weeks, the director had to recruit and train staff, set up operations, and then manage an eight-week program that had to run smoothly from start to finish. The role required not just educational expertise but also serious business sense.

One year, a board member noticed how much the summer director was paid—nearly on par with a full-year teacher. He was shocked. At the next meeting, he demanded that the Head of School explain and justify the salary. Here’s how the Head of School replied: “I’m not going to discuss it. Hiring and paying staff is my job. I’m within the budget you approved. If you don’t like the way I’m doing my job, you can let me go and hire someone else. But I’m not going to justify individual salaries to the board.”

That was it. The board dropped it.

For me – remember I was young —it was powerful. It was the first time I saw a leader draw such a firm line. No hedging, no “let’s talk it through.” Just: This is my lane, that’s yours.” That lesson stayed with me as both a board member and later as an ED. I admired her firmness. But over time I’ve also come to believe I would handle it differently.

Boards: Avoid Operations; Ask Appropriate Questions

The Head of School was right. Boards should not meddle in operations. Drawing a firm line is appropriate. Still, as someone who has also sat on many boards, I’ll add this—boards not only can ask questions, But they must. Oversight depends on it. Questions are how you uncover issues, including fraud, mismanagement, or reputational risk.

That said, there’s a difference between asking and interrogating. Boards should not comb through line-items or nitpick small expenses. And tone matters enormously. A question that sounds like an accusation puts people on the defensive and erodes trust. A better approach starts with curiosity and respect.

In this case, instead of demanding justification, the board member might have said, “As a board member, I’m responsible for the school’s financial and reputational well-being. I noticed the summer director’s salary and wanted to understand how you arrived at that figure. Do you have concerns that faculty—or even donors who see our 990—might view it as disproportionate?”

That’s a fair question. It shows concern for the mission, not personal outrage. And if the Head of School refused to engage with that respectful framing, well, then you’d have a deeper governance problem on your hands. Healthy Board-ED relationships are built on mutual respect, not stone walls.

EDs Have Firm Boundaries, But Be Diplomatic

Now let’s flip the perspective. As an ED, I understand why the Head of School snapped and drew a firm line. But looking back, I think about the risks. What if the board member hadn’t dropped it? What if he rallied other trustees? That could have snowballed into a confrontation that consumed valuable time and goodwill.

When a large expense is questioned, dismissing the board outright can backfire. So, here’s how I might have handled it:

First, affirm the boundaries: “This was an operational decision, and I’m working within the budget you approved.” Second, show respect: thank the board members for their vigilance and commitment. Third, provide context: explain what the summer director’s role entails, the expertise required, and why the compensation matches the responsibility. Finally, close firmly but diplomatically: “I stand by this structure. It’s my decision to make, though I appreciate your input and will keep it in mind for future planning.”

This framing makes the boundaries clear while preserving trust. It avoids unnecessary drama and reinforces that EDs are accountable, not adversarial.

Lessons Learned

• Know the limits of board authority. Boards sometimes cross into operations, often with good intent. But good governance requires knowing what your role is.
• Boards can and should ask questions. Ask questions but make sure you are clear that you are looking for clarification, providing oversight, and/or offering an alternative perspective. Curiosity is healthy; accusations are corrosive.
• Respond with clarity and diplomacy. EDs should be firm about responsibilities but also recognize the value of respectful dialogue.
• Avoid unnecessary confrontation. Humor, grace, and firmness go a long way. One board member pressing on an issue can stir up others.
• Think about what you share. In hindsight, maybe the budget shouldn’t have shown individual salaries in detail. Roll them up into one line item. This protects staff and avoids unhelpful scrutiny.
• Invest in board training. Initial and ongoing training help board members understand governance vs. management. If they know their role, they’re less likely to drift into operational weeds.